So I’ve finally started taking my recovery from crystal meth seriously. I’ve been dipping my toe in the waters of crystal meth anonymous for months now and was really resisting it. I’d get 30 days or so together of not partying, and then oops, I’d do it again. The last time was the most extreme…I ended up with six guys at my house for all of MLK weekend and even slammed for the first time. This is not stuff I need to be doing.
It got me thinking though about what exactly it was that I was GETTING out of doing crystal. The drug itself scared me. I had invited all sorts of crazy drug addicts into my home. I had missed work, and felt crappy for weeks after partying for just a few days. I had put myself at risk for HIV and scores of other STDs. So WHY is this drug so damn appealing to me?
I’m a pig. I love cuddling with a sexy guy, making out and being super lovey-dovey as much as the next homosexual, but sometimes, yes sometimes I just wanna FUCK. I wanna get pounded, treated like a little bitch, gang-banged, tied up, spit on, pissed on and cum all over. Every once in awhile I wanna flip and show somebody else who’s boss. Crystal made that all possible for me. In fact, it made it easy.
It wasn’t just because guys who were doing crystal were more open to being kinky. It’s that I WAS MORE OPEN TO BEING KINKY. Really, it was that crystal helped me let go of the shame that, for me, has always gone with saying that I want anything other than sweet lovemaking in the missionary position through a sheet. I’m totally comfortable with being gay. I’m becoming more comfortable admitting I’m a bottom. But I’ve never fully embraced my inner pig and been able to admit, fully sober, that I want three or four hung tops to use me like their fuck toy.
So this is one of the things I think I need to explore in my new sobriety. I haven’t used crystal or even had a drink in eleven days. One day at a time, right? I’m dating a guy right now, who’s super sweet, incredibly smart and pretty damn sexy. I definitely get the sense that we’re sexually compatible in a lot of ways.
Maybe tonight I need to bring out the bondage tape.